Roller coaster

*****CAUTION: HORMONAL RANT TO FOLLOW*****THIS IS YOUR OFFICIAL WARNING*****TURN BACK NOW OR DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU*****

I’ve never had to make a conscious effort to be patient with myself before. Clarification: When I get really stressed, like basically all of last year, of course I have to take time to remind myself that I’m doing the best that I can, and that freaking out over little things that don’t go right… or sometimes big things that go dreadfully awry… is not a good use of my time.

But that’s a different category entirely from my current situation. Normally, I set standards high for myself. It’s just my modus operandi; it’s baseline. I like being the center of attention, especially if I’m being recognized for doing something especially well. That happens often enough for me that I almost need it. If I haven’t had a “fix” of recognition in a while, it’s time to spread myself even thinner and take on something new that can bring me the praise I desire, or redouble my efforts in an arena in which I’ve already established myself. Healthy or not, it’s how I work.

Now, it’s a good afternoon if I manage to speak spontaneously more than once or twice… and understand and answer questions on the first or second try. The little mistakes (sitting on my bike in front of the crosswalk looking at the wrong red light while a disgruntled motorist waits for me to go) have more of a chance to build up into the proverbial tiny storm cloud that follows me around. And once it starts building, I’m even more scared to make a mistake and I totally clam up.

Can any of my friends or family even imagine me being quiet for a whole day? Bottling it all inside? I thought not. I process things verbally. I have my quiet moments, but if I go too long without some back-and-forth… or even some monologing… then something is wrong.

Ha, welcome to my monologue!

Anyway, maybe I’ve painted too dark a picture. My friends also know that I’m generally a happy person, and that I tend to keep an even keel. I’m prone to overstressing myself, but usually not gross overreaction. If I’m addicted to positive reinforcement, I can also satisfy that craving in simple ways. A good conversation, a walk or a bike ride, singing any old song, playing dress-up (yes I still do!), dancing, meditation, reading… the list goes on and on.

Maybe the hardest part about being here is that my established patterns of self-reassurance are distinctly lacking. New language, new town, new church, new choir (hopefully), new friends (hopefully… oh how I miss Kiel!)… the list goes on and on. I remember feeling some of this disjointedness when I first got to Kenyon, but time has blunted the memory. Plus there was no language barrier, cultural distinctions were barely relevant, and I was fulfilling my assigned role in life as a confused first-semester freshman.

Well, now I’m a big bad alum. And so what? There is no safety in that status. I’m supposed to be self-sufficient now. I can’t hide behind a category any more.

This is where making a conscious effort to be patient with myself comes in. Okay, people on the street are unlikely to give me the benefit of the doubt when I make a rookie mistake, because until I open my mouth I look like a native, and I look old enough to know better.

I do know better. I know that I’m still adjusting, and that as long as I’m trying my best I have nothing to be ashamed of. I know that it’s okay to be frustrated, as long as I keep it in perspective and refuse to let the little details dominate my life.

The problem is that right now it feels like a constant struggle to remind myself of these points. It’s wearing on me… but when I let myself fall into bad mental habits, I feel crappy. So that’s no good either.

Okay, an exercise. What have I done recently that was good? My Western went well. I’m officially a resident of Göttingen, at long last, and I managed to handle the Rathaus all by myself. I think I have a grip on all the remaining deadlines for Fulbright: feedback on the language course, registering for the meeting in March, etc. My reapplication to Northwestern is almost done, and by Monday I think I’ll be ready to submit it. I’m coming home for Christmas, and those plans are almost pinned down. I signed up for the language placement test. Choir auditions are Wednesday (exciting and only a little nerve-wracking.) I signed up for the international student orientation events this weekend, which can’t hurt. I bought really cool markers so I can color-code my lab book.

That’s a nice list.

Is it long enough to outweigh the fact that I still don’t have a student ID and classes supposedly start Monday? Maybe it is. First of all, I’ve been working on this since day one, so it can’t be a problem on my end. The only person at the international students office who is able to help me has been sick, and hopefully it will finally be rectified tomorrow. And Fulbright doesn’t care if I take classes or not, so no extra pressure. Plus after this weekend’s orientation I’ll be… better oriented, right?

Maybe there are difficult moments, but I'm up to the challenge, right?

Sigh. I keep telling myself.